You’ve Got Mail

Joe: Kathleen Kelly, hello. This is a 1)coincidence. Would you mind if I sat down?
Kathleen: Yes, yes, I would. Actually I’m expecting someone. Thanks.
Joe: Pride and Prejudice.
Kathleen: Do you mind?
Joe: I bet you read that book every year. I bet you just love that Mr. Darcy and your 2)sentimental heart just beats wildly at the thought that he and, well, you know whatever her name is, are truly honestly going to 3)end up together.
Waiter: Can I get you something?
Kathleen: No, no, he’s not staying.
Joe: 4)Mochachino, decaf, 5)non-fat.
Kathleen: No, you are not staying.
Joe: I’ll just stay here until your friend gets here. 6)Gee, is he late?
Kathleen: The heroine of Pride and Prejudice is Elizabeth Bennet. She is one of the GREatest and most 7)complex 8)characters ever written, not that you would know.
Joe: As a matter of fact, I’ve read it.
Kathleen: Oh, well, good for you.
Joe: I think you’ll discover a lot of things if you really knew me.
Kathleen: If I really knew you, I know what I would find instead of a brain, a 9)cash register, instead of a heart, a 10)bottom line.
Joe: What?
Kathleen: I just had a 11)breakthrough.
Joe: What is it?
Kathleen: I have you to thank for it, for the first time in my life when 12)confronted with a 13)horrible, 14)insensitive person I knew exactly what I wanted to say and I said it.
Joe: Well, I think you have a 15)gift for it. It was a perfect 16)blend of poetry and 17)meanness.

Kathleen: Meanness, let me tell you something about meanness…
Joe: Don’t misunderstand me. I’m just trying to pay you a 18)compliment.

Kathleen: Oh, oh, why are you touching that? What are you doing?
Joe: Is this a red rose? No, you know it’s a 19)crimson rose. Something you read about in a book, no doubt.
Kathleen: It’s funny to you, isn’t it? Everything is a joke to you. Please leave. Please, please leave, I beg you.... Thank you.
Joe: You know what that 20)hanky reminds me of?
Kathleen: Hmm…
Joe: The first day I met you.
Kathleen: The first day you lied to me.
Joe: I didn’t lie to you.
Kathleen: You did too.
Joe: No, I didn’t.
Kathleen: Yes, you did.
Joe: I did not.
Kathleen: You did too.
Joe: I did not.
Kathleen: You did too.
Joe: I did not.
Kathleen: You did too. I thought all that Fox stuff was so charming. F-O-X.
Joe: Well, I didn’t lie about it.
Kathleen: Joe, just call me Joe.
Joe: Sure.
Kathleen: As if you were one of those stupid 22-year old girls with no last name. Hi, I’m Kimberly, hi, I’m Janice. Don’t they know you’re supposed to have a last name? It’s like they’re an entire 21)generation of 22)cocktail waitresses.

Joe: Look, I am not a 22-year old cocktail waitress.
Kathleen: That is not what I meant.
Joe: And when I said the thing about the Price Club and the 23)cans of 24)olive oil, that’s not what I meant.
Kathleen: Oh, you poor sad multi-millionaire. I feel so sorry for you.
(Someone comes into, Kathleen raises her head and looks forward.)
Joe: Take a wild guess that’s not him either. So who is he, I wonder? Certainly not I, gather the world’s GREatest living 25)expert on 26)Julius and Ethel Rosenberg but somebody else entirely different. And will you be mean to him too?
Kathleen: No, I will not. Because the man who is coming here tonight is completely unlike you. The man who is coming here tonight is kind and funny and he’s got the most wonderful sense of humor.
Joe: But, he’s not here.
Kathleen: Well, if he’s not here he has a reason because there’s not a cruel or 27)careless bone in his body. But I wouldn’t expect you to understand anybody like that. You with your theme park 28)multi-level 29)homogenize the world mochachino land. You’ve 30)deluded yourself into thinking that you’re some sort of 31)benefactor bringing books to the masses. But no one will ever remember you Joe Fox and maybe no one will remember me either, but plenty of people remember my mother and they think she was fine and they think her store was something special. You are nothing but a 32)suit.
Joe: That’s my 33)cue. Have a good night.